The Pain of Vulnerability

Letting Go & Rejection It’s been a while since I’ve posted.   I’ve been living more than talking about living.   I rekindled a old relationship with a girl.

She is a powerful girl and a really sexy girl.   She has an ass that is off the charts amazing.   But, its her unrelenting pursuit of her own freedom that is truly, truly sexy.
Being a part of the AI journey has meant becoming more real with everyone in my life.   Some notable moments of realness is apologizing to my father for years of silence, developing a better relationship with my brother, letting my friends know where I stand and how I feel about certain things, and expressing my desires to women I find attractive.
In short, you are called to be vulnerable.   This vulnerability is not easy thing to do.   It required over a year of work, of learning how to self-diagnose every barrier and issue in my life in such a way that I can get to the core issues.   For me, every negative emotion I feel, every sadness, every disappointment, every frustration, seems to always come down to feeling lonely.
But, and here’s the thing, this loneliness is not a desire to feel connection with just anyone, but a desire to feel a sexual connection with women I find attractive.   I have worked hard over the past year to become the kind of guy who can be open, real, and vulnerable to women I find attractive.   I guess I hoped that doing so would reveal to women the great amazing guy I am and they would be unable to help themselves but be attracted to me.
Well…it hasn’t really worked out that way.
The girl that I rekindled the relationship with has all the qualities of a woman that I feel I am now able to attract: She is smart.   She is incredibly beautiful.   She is keen on self-awareness and development.   She loves her freedom.   She is fun, funny, and energetic.   She has intense eyes.
But…she wanted nothing more to do with me than to seemingly just have me around.   She has expressed deep connection for me.   But she has also expressed her hesitation and lack of desire for anything more than a casual, chance, type of relationship.
Despite all her amazing qualities, she is not, at this point in her life, open to feeling vulnerable nor able to lend grace to others, to be able to give them what they want, freely.   Giving others the benefit of the doubt, the benefit of understanding, the benefits of empathy, is not something she is ready to offer someone at this point in her life.   And this is fine because, well, I can GIVE her the grace of understanding, of feeling and knowing and accepting that she is simply not willing or able to GIVE freely to anyone…yet.   The receiving of a gift requires a kind of vulnerability.   She is not ready to receive the gifts I offer.
In my experience with her, I found that when you give freely, you open yourself to being vulnerable.   My gifts are my open and free expression and my ability to just be there, offering a unique way of listening, or being with her.   Time and time again, I would express my desire for her.   Time and time again, I would let her know what was going on in my life, how I felt about shit in my life and her.   Time and time again, I could simply be there for her, accepting her as she is.   And…I still do.
But, tonight, I had to pull back my interaction with her.   Why? Because I began to notice that I was no longer able to express myself fully with her.   My freedom of self-expression is everything to me and when I feel I cannot be 100% who I am with someone, then I have to either change my mind or change my situation or express myself in other ways.   I decided to change the situation.   She wants nothing to do with me in any other sense than a kind of casual sense. So I’ve decided to cut back my interactions with her.   I’m not out of her life, just standing to the side and letting her breathe.   I don’t need her in my life, though I do want her in my life.   But, hell, she has to be her and what makes her attractive is precisely that: her being her.   So…I step aside.
This is hard for me to take because I value meaningful connection.   Meeting her was a gift, which she promptly reminded me that she is not «the only» girl out there.   And there you have it…»She is not the only girl?» Is it possible she cannot accept that I view her uniquely? For me, she is NOT just any girl, she is THIS girl… and not another.   Is it possible she does not believe that she is in fact unique in the world, or that she is actually deserving of the admiration and desire I have for HER? Would she prefer to be treated just as any other girl? Does she not have the deep self confidence to believe that she deserves a real, honest relationship in her life?
I don’t know the answers to these questions.   But I do know she felt quite sure in letting me know that she is «not the only» girl out there.   And, she is right.   And, I look forward to meeting those others…I have no problem with that obviously.   I prefer it, actually.   There were in fact some amazingly beautiful shot girls out last night.   But all of that does not mean that SHE is not still unique in all the world, for me.   It would be very sad if she doesn’t believe that for herself.
I put myself out there.   I told her how I felt.   She looked at me with stone cold eyes and the look that says: «and how is that my problem that you are in to me?» I was vulnerable.   I stood there in my truth saying this is me, this is who I am.   Take it or leave it.
She did not want to take it.   The pain was searing.   It cut deep.   And, thanks to my regular practice of mediation, I felt it very deeply.   But, and here is the key: I DO NOT BLAME HER.
She is living her truth. She is doing what she feels is the best thing for her.   And, more importantly, she was being honest and real with me.   She gave me all I wanted: Honest, Real, Open.   She is a sexy girl and she was being 100% who she was.   It’s not her problem that I feel sad.   She does not «make» me feel sad, disappointed or frustrated. This is my doing.
I put myself out there.   And, thankfully, I got an honest response.   Rejected once more.   And now I’m off to give myself what I want, to keep moving forward and building a life that women like her will want, desire, and uncontrollably want to be around.
Rejection used to be the source of so much suicidal thought and pain.   Now, I feel like shit, but I know why and what it is that I must do: keep on creating the life I desire…go after what I want.   I want women in my life who are not afraid to be vulnerable, who are not needy, but have a passion for their own freedom and a willingness to explore it, push their boundaries and have so much fulfillment in their life that they can give others what they want, freely.   This girl is not there yet. But, where she is in her life is just as beautiful, but its just not for me…it now clashes with my truth.
The AI journey is a deep one.   Being real with women you desire is a vulnerable place to be.   Knowing how to self-diagnose what it is that you really desire when that vulnerability is exposed, like mine was tonight, is the key to making any rejection «work for you.»
I’m glad she gave me the stone cold eyes as I stood there expressing my self openly and in pure vulnerability.   I know what I want now, more than ever, in any woman I meet.